New Medications
St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing
the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved
out.
Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening
out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment
of country western music.
Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge
to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving
grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin ... Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,
"You make me want to be a better
person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration
of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate
buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by
Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the,
"Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him
all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify which men to cross off
the dating pool.