Mom's Job Description
POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mamma
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in
an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings
and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required,
including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily, until someone needs $5 or turns 21. Must be willing to bite tongue
repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from
zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are
not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical
challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework
projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of
all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an
embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys, and
battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the
facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain
in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating
your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college
will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them
whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually
enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies
limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs & kisses for life if you
play your cards right.