Another Solution to the War
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few
weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15,
Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the
landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.
Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery
shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.
We’ve had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their
future. We’d like to get away from our husbands, if they haven’t left already.
And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share
life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.
We’ve survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the
grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily
survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!
We’ve spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or
sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ...
we’ve planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at
Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.
Between us, we’ve divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they
hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money
and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government’s help!
Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants
with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.
I’m going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!