Humor

I don't remember where I got this one, but it was just too much!

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You gotta stay with me on this one!!

Question:  What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:  Princess Diana's death.

Question:  How come?

Answer:  An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend, crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!

And this is sent to you by an Armenian, using Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones, that use Taiwanese-made chips, and a Korean-made monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers, in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegals, and finally sold to you.

That, my friend, is Globalization!

Cheaper Than Thou

by Mary Roach

    My husband, Ed, once called me the cheapest person in the world.  I believe this was around the time he discovered that every night I remove my eyeliner with the end of a Q-tip and then set it aside to use the other end the following night.  Ed was appalled.  "Do you rinse and reuse your dental floss too?"
    I gave him a look of utmost scorn, though it's possible he saw through the scorn to the little light shining behind it, the light that said, "Wow, great idea!"
    I know for a fact that I'm not the cheapest person in the world, because it's a matter of record--Guinness record, to be specific--that the world's greatest miser was Hetty Green.  And do you know what the Guinness Book of World Records cited as evidence of her miserliness?  She saved scraps of soap.
    And who in our house saves scraps of soap?  That would be Ed.  When the bar of soap gets so tiny that you can't wash without it crumbling like feta cheese inside your underarms, Ed will take the delicate sliver and fuse it onto the new bar of soap.  I can recall the first time I saw this.  It was touching in a way, the little infant soap clinging to its mother's back like a baby monkey.  The charm wore off over the course of umpteen showers during which the sliver would repeatedly dislodge from its host, forcing me to stand under the water for five minutes at a time fusing it back into place, wasting precious pennies' worth of water--pennies that could be put to good use buying six months' worth of Q-tips.
    In Ed's case, it's hereditary.  I will always remember the sight of Ed's dad, Bill, eating a salad dressed from a gallon vat of dressing purchased at Costco.
    He had bought the largest size because it was the most economical, but as it turned out, he hated the taste of it.  Ed encouraged him to throw it away.
    "I bought it," he said, chewing miserably, "and I'm going to finish it."  This was in 1997.  Every time we visit, we check in the refrigerator for the Dressing of Bill's Discontent, marking off his progress in half-inch increments.
    We figure his sentence will be up around 2030.  We're hoping that he lives that long, first because we love him dearly, and second, because if he doesn't, that means Ed and I will have to bring it home and finish it.  Otherwise it would be a waste of perfectly good dressing, "perfectly good" here meaning "not immediately life-threatening."  And when the bottom of the evil vat is finally in sight, one of us will turn it upside down, to be sure not a drop goes to waste.  We had a honey jar upside down on the breakfast table for the better part of a decade.  "Pass the YENOH," Ed would say.
    I'd be hard-pressed to say who's more pa-thetic, Ed or me.  We both make ourselves feel better by berating the other person.  Ed takes great joy in reminding me of the time a car salesman told me I was the first person he'd ever met who ordered a car with NO extras.  I, in turn, take great joy in watching Ed rummage through his box of stray, salvaged screws in a predictably hopeless effort to find one that fits.
    Yesterday Ed caught me using the Water Miser dishwasher option (I prefer the term Water Conservationist) even though there were dirty, greasy pots inside.  I tried to explain that by adding a little extra soap, I could make up the lost cleaning power.  Perhaps this might be a good use for those little slivers of bar soap.  Ed told me I had a screw loose.
    It's possible he's right.  And when it falls out, we know where to look for a replacement.

Lone Ranger's Reply

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.  After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo.  Time wise it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.  Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb cowboy.  It tell me someone has stolen tent."

"5 PACES BEHIND"

Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, "Land mines."

MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN!!

God speaks to us

A friend of mine was having a bit of marital tension in his household and was trying to figure out just what to do about it.

In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that:  "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives."

My friend looked at me kinda funny and said, "Wow!  I didn't know God used that kind of language!"

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These just had to come under humor; they fit under both cats and dogs!

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Literature Lagoon