Humor

I don't remember where I got this one, but it was just too much!

Twelve Days of Christmas

Warning - Before you send all of the gifts described in the song - "The Twelve Days of Christmas" - read how it can go TERRIBLY wrong... as described by the series of letters from the recipient of such lovely Christmas gifts to the gift-giver...

December 14th

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection,

Agnes


December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtledoves. Iím just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes


December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

Love,

Agnes


December 17th

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? Youíre being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes


December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes


December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially,

Agnes


December 20th

John:

What's with you and those birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY. So stop with the birds.

Sincerely,

Agnes


December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is cow poop all over the lawn and I canít move in my own house. Just lay off me. SMART-ASS!

Ag


December 22nd

Hey Butthead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And man do they pipe. They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,

Ag


December 23rd

You Rotten Dick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those women ladies. They've been with those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of cow dung. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sic'ing the police on you. They know where you are.

One who means it,

Ag



December 24th

Listen, Doormat:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again.

Those pipers ran through the maids and are now after the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Miss Agnes McCallister


December 25th

From the law offices of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Dewey, Cheatem and Howe
Attorneys at Law

***************************

You gotta stay with me on this one!!

Question:  What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:  Princess Diana's death.

Question:  How come?

Answer:  An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend, crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!

And this is sent to you by an Armenian, using Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones, that use Taiwanese-made chips, and a Korean-made monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers, in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegals, and finally sold to you.

That, my friend, is Globalization!

 

Cheaper Than Thou

by Mary Roach

    My husband, Ed, once called me the cheapest person in the world.  I believe this was around the time he discovered that every night I remove my eyeliner with the end of a Q-tip and then set it aside to use the other end the following night.  Ed was appalled.  "Do you rinse and reuse your dental floss too?"
    I gave him a look of utmost scorn, though it's possible he saw through the scorn to the little light shining behind it, the light that said, "Wow, great idea!"
    I know for a fact that I'm not the cheapest person in the world, because it's a matter of record--Guinness record, to be specific--that the world's greatest miser was Hetty Green.  And do you know what the Guinness Book of World Records cited as evidence of her miserliness?  She saved scraps of soap.
    And who in our house saves scraps of soap?  That would be Ed.  When the bar of soap gets so tiny that you can't wash without it crumbling like feta cheese inside your underarms, Ed will take the delicate sliver and fuse it onto the new bar of soap.  I can recall the first time I saw this.  It was touching in a way, the little infant soap clinging to its mother's back like a baby monkey.  The charm wore off over the course of umpteen showers during which the sliver would repeatedly dislodge from its host, forcing me to stand under the water for five minutes at a time fusing it back into place, wasting precious pennies' worth of water--pennies that could be put to good use buying six months' worth of Q-tips.
    In Ed's case, it's hereditary.  I will always remember the sight of Ed's dad, Bill, eating a salad dressed from a gallon vat of dressing purchased at Costco.
    He had bought the largest size because it was the most economical, but as it turned out, he hated the taste of it.  Ed encouraged him to throw it away.
    "I bought it," he said, chewing miserably, "and I'm going to finish it."  This was in 1997.  Every time we visit, we check in the refrigerator for the Dressing of Bill's Discontent, marking off his progress in half-inch increments.
    We figure his sentence will be up around 2030.  We're hoping that he lives that long, first because we love him dearly, and second, because if he doesn't, that means Ed and I will have to bring it home and finish it.  Otherwise it would be a waste of perfectly good dressing, "perfectly good" here meaning "not immediately life-threatening."  And when the bottom of the evil vat is finally in sight, one of us will turn it upside down, to be sure not a drop goes to waste.  We had a honey jar upside down on the breakfast table for the better part of a decade.  "Pass the YENOH," Ed would say.
    I'd be hard-pressed to say who's more pa-thetic, Ed or me.  We both make ourselves feel better by berating the other person.  Ed takes great joy in reminding me of the time a car salesman told me I was the first person he'd ever met who ordered a car with NO extras.  I, in turn, take great joy in watching Ed rummage through his box of stray, salvaged screws in a predictably hopeless effort to find one that fits.
    Yesterday Ed caught me using the Water Miser dishwasher option (I prefer the term Water Conservationist) even though there were dirty, greasy pots inside.  I tried to explain that by adding a little extra soap, I could make up the lost cleaning power.  Perhaps this might be a good use for those little slivers of bar soap.  Ed told me I had a screw loose.
    It's possible he's right.  And when it falls out, we know where to look for a replacement.

 

Lone Ranger's Reply

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.  After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo.  Time wise it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.  Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb cowboy.  It tell me someone has stolen tent."

 

"5 PACES BEHIND"

Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, "Land mines."

MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN!!

 

God speaks to us

A friend of mine was having a bit of marital tension in his household and was trying to figure out just what to do about it.

In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that:  "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives."

My friend looked at me kinda funny and said, "Wow!  I didn't know God used that kind of language!"

******************

These just had to come under humor; they fit under both cats and dogs!

How to Bathe the Cat
 
  1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
  2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.
  3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
  4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).  CAUTION:  Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge as his paws will be reaching out for any object they can find.
  5. Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
  6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
  7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
  8. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
                            Sincerely,
 
                            The Dog

 

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?"
 
 
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
 
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
 
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
 
Rottweiler: Make me.
 
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
 
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!  Can I?  Can I? Huh?  Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
 
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
 
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture
 
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a Light bulb?
 
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
 
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
 
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
 
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
 
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle .
 
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
 
Basset Hound: Sorry if this has nothing to do with food or smelling food, I am just not interested!!!
 
 
The Cat's Answer:
 
"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
 
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

********************

TOUGH OLD COWBOY

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110.

He left 4 children, 20 grand-children, 30 great grandchildren, 10 great-great-grand-children and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming,

"WOW! What a ride!!"

**********************************

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS!
 
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
 
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES:
Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD:
85 lbs. Neutered, Speaks German.

FOUND - DIRTY WHITE DOG:
Looks like a rat - been out a while - better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES:
NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK:
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES:
California grown - 89 cents a lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY:
 Must sell washer and dryer $300.
 
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE: WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE, call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE


FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Husband knows everything.

*********************

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.
 
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.
 
The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:
 
"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."

*********************

(The following may or may not be true--I never found it on Snopes--, but it's still hilarious!)

A Washington, DC, Airport Ticket Agent offers some examples of why the US is in trouble!
 
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
 
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.' Without trying to make HER look stupid, I calmly explained, 'Cape COD is in Massachusetts. Cape TOWN is in Africa ...' Her response . . . click.
 
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'
 
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'But they look so close on the map.' (Oh help, again!)
 
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.' (Aghhhh)
 
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She wanted to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
 
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!' After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is FAT (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
 
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?'
 
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who was calling from the airport and asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'
 
10. A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever, smarty!'
 
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'
 
12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes. What flights do you have?' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' The lady retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?' The reply? 'Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'
 
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

********************
Every now and then a good story comes my way  and the UPS "gripe  sheet" provided the "chuckle" for the day.  After every flight, UPS  pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about  problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document  their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the  next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. 
  
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
  
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs  replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight  OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this  aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in  cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
 
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute  descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on  right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
 
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable  level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's  what friction locks are for.
 
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF  mode.
 
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P:  Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief  search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft  warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar  hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in  cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
 
And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget  pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from  midget.



HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)


1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?  He's all right now.

4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

8. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.  He did a number on it.

9. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

10. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

11. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

13. A will is a dead giveaway.

14.   A backward poet writes inverse.

15. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

16. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

17. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum blownapart.

18. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

19. A calendar's days are numbered.

20. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

22. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

24. Acupuncture: a jab well done

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