Horses

I Wish I Were A Broodmare

A group of scientists sat around one morning having coffee and came up with the conclusion that humans are the intelligent species... that homo sapiens are far superior in brain power to all of the world's other creatures. My unscientific brain got to thinking about this.

About how the world could or would be if we acted and thought more like horses.
This is what I came up with:

That we (mares) should sit at the kitchen table when our new TWH magazines came and pick out our men (stallions). These stallions would only be the best that were allowed to reproduce: Good Looking, Intelligent, Athletic, Healthy and Excel in a discipline. And, we could pick out a different stallion every year without earning a bad reputation.
That we should be allowed to roam around all day and eat (graze), nap, enjoy the outdoors, and socialize with our buddies as pretty pasture ornaments with all our needs taken care of by someone else.
That "fat" would be considered a desirable asset & prove that we are "easy keepers."
That we should be waited on, our rooms cleaned for us & an "all you can eat" buffet before us every day.
That we should get new shoes or a pedicure every 5 to 6 weeks & get our hair done daily.
That we should be chauffeured around when we need to go somewhere in an expensive vehicle designed just for us...oh, and with food in front of us while we travel.
That once our babies are weaned, they can't move back home.
That we should have better clothes, grooming supplies, living conditions and medical care than the people who take care of us.

Okay, scientists, now who is really smarter???
Dedication in breeding the TWH--the greatest horse of all
Author ~ Unknown

Buyer Beware

Big Walk ~ Can't canter within a 2 mile straightaway
Nicely Started ~ lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet
Top Show Horse ~ won a Reserve Championship 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to a hurricane
Big Boned ~ good thing horse has mane & tail or he would be mistaken for a cow
Well Mannered ~ hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week
Professionally Trained ~ hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a month
Should Mature 16 hands ~ currently 13h, dam is 14.2h, sire is 15h, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 15h but this horse will definitely defy his DNA and will grow
To Good Home Only ~ not really for sale unless you can
1) pay twice what he is worth
2) are willing to sign a 10 page legal document
Bold ~ runaway
Athletic ~ runaway
Needs Intermediate Rider ~ runaway
Needs Experienced Rider ~ "dead" runaway
Dead Quiet ~ just dead
Started O/F ~ started overfeeding because we can't ride
No Vices ~ especially when he wears his muzzle
Light Cribber ~ we can't afford to build any more barns & fences for the buzz saw
No Time For Him ~ he's lucky to be fed
Excellent Disposition ~ never been out of his stall
Clips, Hauls, & Loads ~ The sound his hooves make when he hauls a$$ across the parking lot when you try to load him
Good Broodmare prospect ~ not even a chance she's rideable
Good Dressage prospect ~ we tried him in the hunters and he's a complete maniac over fences
Big circle horse ~ can't turn in 240 acres ~ great stops ~ slams those shoulders and launches rider every time!
Easy to catch ~ in a 10 X 10 stall
Easy to load ~ only takes 3 hours, 4 men and a tractor with loader
Rides good ~ not rideable, but rides the trailer good.
Spirited ~ Loves to run all out all the time.

Some new, some old

Good mother ~ Awful at everything else.
Protective mother ~ Don't even think about getting near that baby until weaning time.
Easy breeder ~ A stallion that will mount anything that moves.
Has beautiful babies ~ good, because she's plug ugly herself.
Pasture horse ~ He'll kick a new door in your stall to get out.
Spectacularly marked ~ Horrible conformation, pretty spots.
Used to race ~ Still does, unless firmly tied to a tree.
Owner getting out of the business ~ Owner is tired of dealing with this ignorant monster.
Works well off his rear ~ Because the front is usually off the ground.
Puppy dog temperament ~ has no manners, but is cute, so it's ok.
Always in the ribbons ~ 10th place....out of 10 riders

Top 10 Exercises for the Equestrian

10 - Drop a heavy steel object on your foot.
Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, Get off, GET OFF!"
9 - Leap out of a moving vehicle & practice "relaxing in the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8 - Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.
7 - Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.
6 - Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling it to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun!
5 - Hone your fibbing skills
"See, hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" & "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."
4 - Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3 - Borrow the US Army slogan: Be All That You Can Be - bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen, etc.
2 - Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is..."
1 - The number 1 exercise to become a better equestrian - marry money
Author ~ Unknown

Small Hints for the Horseman

Don't ever buy a horse expecting it to be your last one.
Don't buy a horse from anyone who keeps telling you how honest they are.
An honest horse trader is one who says: "He's cheap, but he's worth it."
No matter how much you love a car or boat, it will never love you back.
The most valuable horse in your barn isn't the one that cost the most, but the one you love the most.
You may never find a horse that has everything you want, but you'll find a lot that don't have everything you don't.
When you go to look for a horse for sale, don't drive your Mercedes.
It's almost impossible to visit a tack shop without buying something.
There are many horses who are loved more by the heart then by the eye.
People who have horses often live a long time without getting old.
Treat all of your horses as if they all cost $100,000.
When someone asks you if you think their new horse is wonderful just reply yes.
When you ALMOST fall off, get kicked or have a piece of your tack break, its often better than all the advice in the world.
You'll learn more about riding by getting on different horses than from reading all the "how to" books in existence.
A dime is still good for something - you can tighten the latch on your trailer with one.
Telling a child how wonderfully they ride might make them feel good, but it will never teach them anything.
Your true test of patience will come when everyone has gone home and your horse won't load the trailer.
Nothing brings a prayer to your lips more quickly than racing down a steep hill with a wide ditch at the bottom.
If you keep searching for the perfect horse, you will be searching for a long time.
A good test of your character is how you treat your horse when no one is around.
Not even the finest instructor in the world can guarantee you'll know everything about riding after a year's worth of lessons. Or 10 years. Or 100 years.
It's grand to be a better rider than other people - just don't keep telling them.
Author ~ Unknown

Horseman's Vocabulary

Azorturia (Monday Morning Disease)
A condition brought on by showing horses all weekend. Symptoms include the feeling of dread at having to get out of bed on Mondays and go to work.

Big Name Trainer
Cult Leader: Horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children's college funds and their IRA's to support them as they have a direct link to "The Most High Ones" (Judges).

Colic
The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows.

Colt
What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.

Contracted foot
The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up right before a horse steps on your foot.

Corn
Small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of cowboy boots.

Endurance ride
The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.

Fences
Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over.

Founder
The discovery, of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like-"Hey, honey, I found'er."

Gallop
The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn.

Gates
Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.

Green Broke
The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the Big Name Trainer.

Grooming
The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.

Hobbles
Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.

Hock
The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.

Horse shoes
Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to throw.

Lameness
The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.

Lead Rope
A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns. Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag.

Lunging
A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.

Over-reaching
A descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit cards are in by the end of show season.

Proud Flesh
The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes.

Quitter
A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns.

Race
What your heart does when you see the vet bill.

Rasp
An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the knuckles.

Ringworms
Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail sides at horse shows.

Sacking out
A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.

Saddle
An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.

Saddle Sore
The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show.

Sleeping Sickness
A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes & a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.

Splint
An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.

Twisted Gut
The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show.

Versatility
An owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon.

Whip Marks
The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low hanging branch go.

Yearling
The age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously.

Zoo
The typical atmosphere around most horse farms.

Heaven & Horse

A man was riding his horse along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered the wreck, and that the horse had been in the wreck also. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, the stone wall was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. Standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the horse walked toward the gate, and as he got closer he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough he called out:
"Excuse me, where are we?"
This is heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my horse come in too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept horses."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long ride, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road that led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me," he called to the reader, "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the horse.
"There's a trough and a cup at the pump."

They went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump. The traveler pumped fresh water into the trough then took a long drink himself. When they were full, he and the horse walked back toward the man, who was standing by then, waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said, "the man down the road said that was heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their horses behind."

Author Unknown