Living Your Way Through Divorce
by Dr. Hugh L. Eichelberger
used by permission
People
experience all kinds of pain in life. There is the pain of grief, of
failure, of abandonment, of broken dreams and broken hearts.
When I worked as a counselor, it became clear to me that one
of the most painful events that anyone can experience is the pain of
divorce. It is so painful because it includes all of the different kinds
of pains that I mentioned above. In order to provide support and nurture
to people experiencing divorce I started a support group that met in the church
where I was pastor on Sunday evenings. Sunday evening was chosen because
for many that was the loneliest and most difficult time of the week. A
group was started because it was clear to me that the people who could be most
helpful to those going through this difficult time were people who had gone
through it, or who were going through it. It was an open group where
people could come and go as they felt the need. No attempt was made to get
these people to come to church. If they wished to come they were
welcome. People who came represented the full spectrum. There were
Christians, Jews, and atheist. They were bound together by a common pain
and a desire to be helped and to be helpful. I also learned that there
were two kinds of people in a divorce. There was the one who left and the
one who was left. Normally the person who was left was the person who felt
the most pain. Usually the person who left had been thinking about leaving
for a long time and had already done much of their grief work about the
termination of their marriage.
Of all the things that the persons who were in the process of
being left had to do, there were several things that were true for all of
them. All of them had grief work to do. Even if the marriage had not
been good, there was a need to grieve for a relationship that had ended and for
a dream and a hope that had not come true. For almost all of these people
there had been good times in their marriage and times when they believed they
could work out the problems they wrestled with. The grief process would
have been easier if the former spouse had died. At least there would be
closure and a cemetery to visit. Friends would have gathered to bring food
and comfort. One person in the group said that she remembered wondering
where all the people with the fried chicken were. Something had died and
no one seemed to notice. To grieve successfully requires an acceptance
that something is over. It involves feeling the pain of the loss and
waiting for healing to come. There is the pain of waking up in a bed alone
and eating with no one there to share the meal. There is confusion about
talking to children, and readjusting finances to a decrease in available
income. Perhaps one of the more difficult tasks is what word will be used
to describe your situation. Do you call yourself divorced, or single, or
previously married or what? There is the temptation to jump into another
relationship before any healing has taken place.
One night in our support group a young man whose wife had
just left him said, "I know what I am going to do. I am going to find
me a new woman."
A female member of the group responded, "You don't need
another woman now, and I can't think of a woman in the world who needs
you."
Divorce is a high stress experience. There is enough to
deal with without adding a new relationship. Traveling the divorce journey
is painful and difficult. A man who came to see me after his wife had left
him for another man always began our session with the statement, "I think I
am going to die." I told him he would not die unless he killed
himself but it would take time. After nearly a year he came into my office
and said, "I am not going to die." He went on to write a number
of books - two about his divorce, produced movies, and is now a successful
consultant. He did not die. He survived and thrived.
But what can you do to help someone close to you who is
traveling this painful road?
The first and most important thing is to
"notice." Do not assume you know how they are feeling. I
made this mistake once when I said to a newly separated person, "I am so
sorry to hear about your separation."
The person responded, "I'm sad about the failure of the
marriage, but I am relieved to be out of a very difficult situation. There
is no need to be sorry."
My suggestion about what to say goes something like
this: "I noticed that there have been some changes in your family
situation. I want to be supportive, but I am not sure how to
respond. Can you help me?"
The second thing you can do is to listen without giving
advice or even saying what a jerk their former spouse was. When you see
them or call them simply ask, "What kind of day are you having
today?" If they want to talk, they will. If not, they won't.
And finally, do not be impatient with the time it takes for
your friend or loved one to grieve. It is a difficult time, but it is made
less difficult with a close and loving friend.
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